I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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