Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
