Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How's work?
Spinning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
