My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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