I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
