We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
