never play flip cup with pint glasses
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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