Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
