i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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