this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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