I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
