you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
