The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I AM VODKA MAN
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
