dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
