Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
