I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
