i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Actions speak louder than pants.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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