Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Randomize
