no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
