Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
