you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
