i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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