I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
