I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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