I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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