carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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