Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
