Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
