all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize