she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
