I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
