the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
