she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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