I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
