Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
