areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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