Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
