I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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