I cockslap morals
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
