Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
