i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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