Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
