dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
