i think my tv is drunk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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