Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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