So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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