My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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