Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
