I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My vagina just recognized that song.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize