I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
