New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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