Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
