At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
