I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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