I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize