Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize