textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
