I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
