Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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