fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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